Name: Kim Cleary
Country of residence: Australia
Title: Path Unchosen
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word-count: 89,000
Pitch: Judy Hudson is in trouble. After the orphanage she yearns for freedom and independence, but dead people rise and she is the only one who can stop them. Judy’s search for truth brings her into conflict with a ruthless Mayor and a long dead necromancer. What she finds hardens her resolve to make new choices and take a path to unimagined power. But will it bring what she most craves?
Hi Kim, thank you for participating in GYPO! you are so brave:). Below are my suggestions, and I stress my suggestions. I hope it helps.
I love the title, and I can see a lot of promise in the story. After reading your pitch, I feel like there is more to this story and the magic is in what you don't want to tell us, for fear of giving away to much. However you have succeeding in giving us nothing at all...:). What I've learned is you have to master what I call the roundabout, where you elude to your point without giving everything else.
First your first line is as important as the last line it should POP! and GRAB! the readers attention. Saying Judy Hudson is in trouble, is too vague. Why is she in trouble? What does she do as a result of this trouble? Ask yourself these questions and form a first line from that without given away to much of course
Example: Judy Hudson has to face the rise of the dead more often then anyone should. (this to can be tighten, but you get the point).
Your next line says after the orphanage she yearns for freedom and independence. Is she not free? Why not? I would assume after the orphanage means she was adopted or aged out thus making her free and giving her freedom. This isn't clear, maybe expound on this point so the reader gets a better understanding.
She is the only person who can stop the dead from rising, how, why? Maybe give some insight into her ability to do this.
Why and when did she start searching for the truth? Don't tell us the truth brings conflict show us. Who is the Mayor and the necromancer what and why are they significant? Is the truth she is searching for about them?
The next line implies that we knew about the prior choices, we don't know much about her other choices/conflicts to be effected by these new choices.
What is this unimaginable power, and how does it tie into the story? Does it have anything to do with her being able to stop the dead rising?
What does she crave? Can give the reader some idea without giving away to much?
Again these are just my suggestions, I hope it wasn't to harsh and I hope it helps.
Please everyone chime in and critique Kim's pitch.
2 comments:
I agree with Paula on the first line. Starting with a sentence that brings the reader to the edge of their seat will ensure they keep reading. I like Paula's suggestion, as well. But keep it active. for example:
Judy Hudson comes face to face with the dead on a daily basis.
Or something snappier!
This sounds like a great story waiting to be shared!
Thank you Paula, You haven't been harsh at all and I found your comments very helpful. I have done a revision which tells a lot more of the story without giving away the twists and turns - it isn't easy condensing a whole novel into a 70 word pitch! :)
Judy Hudson can command the dead. She's the only person who can stop the ruthless Mayor raising dead people and using fear to cement his power. And she has to act quickly to defeat a 200-year-old sorcerer before he gains enough strength to control her. A path towards unimagined power opens to her, can she follow it without losing the people she loves and intimacy she craves?
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