Friday, October 5, 2012

Get Your Pitch On! REVISION- PATH UNCHOSEN!!!

Hey ALL!!! Kim has made some revisions to her pitch let's all chime in and offer our critique!!! Thanks in advance.



Name: Kim Cleary


Country of residence: Australia
Title: Path Unchosen
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word-count: 89,000



 Judy Hudson can command the dead. She's the only person who can stop the ruthless Mayor raising dead people and using fear to cement his power. And she has to act quickly to defeat a 200-year-old sorcerer before he gains enough strength to control her. A path towards unimagined power opens to her, can she follow it without losing the people she loves and intimacy she craves?


 WOW! Kim, this is great I feel like I am reading about a new story. I am even more intrigued. I just have a couple of ideas.


 And She has to act quickly to defeat a 200-year-old sorcerer before he gains enough strength to control her. I would take out the And, it's not needed and slows down the flow.

A path towards unimagined power opens to her, can she follow it without losing the people she loves and intimacy she craves? Maybe unimaginable works better here 

 Question: Are the mayor and this 200 year old sorcerer the same or two different antagonist ( which is how it reads now)? If it's not your intent you should make it clear to the reader. 

She's the only person who can stop the ruthless Mayor raising dead people and using fear to cement his power. She's the only person who can stop the ruthless Mayor, whose using fear by raising the dead to cement his power.(suggestion)


2 comments:

Stacey Nash said...

Nice work Kim. I agree with Paula's suggestions. My additions to her critique would be to suggest that you change the second sentence. You say dead and dead people - too many similar words to close together. This sounds like a zombie story to me. Perhaps you could change the second sentence to; "She's the only person who can stop the ruthless Mayor raising zombies and using fear to cement his power."

I was also confused as to whether the sorcerer and the mayor are the same person. I think you need to clear that up.

Good luck with Pitch On!

Rhiann Wynn-Nolet said...

Hi there! Fun zombie premise!
Here are my thoughts.
Judy Hudson can command the dead. She's the only person who can stop the ruthless Mayor raising dead people (maybe sub zombies here) and using fear to cement his power. (Question is the Mayor a zombie?)
And she has to act quickly to defeat a 200-year-old sorcerer before he gains enough strength to control her. (Agree that "And" should be removed). A path towards unimagined power opens to her, can she follow it without losing the people she loves and intimacy she craves? (Not sure about questions in pitches-theoretically they provide answers, not questions. Also the intimacy thing totally threw me and seemed to come out of left field - is there a romance somewhere in this story?) Good luck!