Wednesday, September 12, 2012

*revise* Excerpt Sapphire's Dawn

After some very good advise I made a few changes to my prologue, if you have the time please take a moment to critique. Thank you Stacey and Jess!! thanks #GUTGAA-ANS


“Where did she come from?”

“I don't know the young ones found her near the forbidden waters she's not a familiar so they brought her here while she is still unconscious. She has no light doctor, that's impossible right?”

My chest rise and fall uncontrollably. I stretch my eyes wide trying to control my breathing hoping to see past the darkness surrounding me. Who are these voices? Frozen, the need to thrash about and yell consumes me, the fear is relentless it grips my throat holding back sound.

“No. It's not entirely impossible to not have a light.”

Startled at the sound of this voice an older male the one the high shrieked voice calls doctor. The high shriek voice is harder to decipher whether it’s male or female, the pubescent tone was familiar like so many sophomores yelling down the halls on their first day of high school. Zara, are you okay can you hear me?” Mrs. Kensington? I want to answer but at what risk? OMG, I’m dreaming in class again!

“What are you going to do with her doc?” the younger voice interrupts my thoughts of horror. As if being the don't touch or talk to me because I am not interested in joining your clubs or cliques girl isn't enough, I have to also be the freak that falls asleep in class. Kill me now because it will take weeks for this to blow over. The last time this happened I didn’t return to school for a week the taunts were unbearable. After a week people were more worried about me having committed suicide or something more morbid then that.

“How is it possible for one of us not to have a light doc?”

“Please, get the elders, tell them there is a hybrid in our mist they will know what to do.”

“A hybrid? But I thought they didn’t exist, the mere mention is what caused the last uprising” the voice is higher if at all possible. The pounding of his footsteps abuse the hard floor as he run hastily from the room. Hybrid...huh. Focus Zara, must wake up.

Click clack all at once the thumping of several sets of approaching feet invades my ears. More voices three or four riddle with fear in the distance. I could still hear the doctor and the high pitched voice Vincent someone calls him. A boy go figure. My breathing instinctively labors as the thudding feet get louder the closer the get to me.

“Impossible. How did she get here?” A much older male voice shouts.

“We don't know Elder Sythe, but with no light the question ‘here’ becomes in our world.”

“We must get rid of her before the others knows she is here.” Elder Sythe demands.

The doctor interject saying, “I think we should see what we can learn from it. Open it up see why it doesn’t have a light. Maybe we can learn where it came from.”

“Nonsense doctor, we don’t need the threat of another uprising, we wont survive it. The other elders and I will convene and once we make the decision  to destroy, It will be done at nightfall.”

“So is she a hybrid?” Vincent’s says with panic in his voice, I could hear my heart thud behind my ears.

Get rid of me!?

“What if the others elders agree with me?” the doctor asserts.

“They wont I can assure you that,” I could tell Elder Sythe is in control.

“Elder Sythe it’s the same one from before.” The doctor voice is a nervous whisper.

“What!” Elder Sythe roared. How is this possible you said you destroyed it.”

“I did, destroy it just as you instructed immediately.”

Destroyed! Uncontrollable trembles erupt from my body.

“If you destroyed it, why is it lying on this table? How is she back?” Another voice asks.

Give me the chance to learn these answers you seek. Allow me two days to perform test and experiments,” the doctor pleading to decimate my body.

“Absolutely not! Destroy it” Elder Sythe says forceful he is no longer asking.

“Ask yourself

Elder Sythe, is the portal open, how did this creature survive the trip to our world, and she’s alive living breathing in our atmosphere. Can you explain that? If she is not an Empyrean and she is surely not the girl from last time, then the only thing that explains here being here, is that she has to be a hybrid.” A collective gasp fills the room.

“There are no such beings as hybrids and we all thank you to not spread rumors. Are you trying to cause another uprising? Our kind can not mate with human it is not possible those are just old fables told to the young ones to keep them from trouble. You are much to wise to believe such tales.”

“Well then how do you explain this human girl with no light in our world?” Anger infuses the doctors shout.

Why can't I wake up?

“I will tell you this in all my five centuries I have never seen or heard of a sighting of hybrid. This fact is not because we don’t believe in them, but because they can not and do not exist. To end this fruitless debate, I vote now that we destroy this being immediately it is already beginning to taint your views”

“Not without the other elders,” the doctors voice trembles

No one answers him, all the voices in the room each vote yes to destroy me at once. The fact that this is just a dream gives little comfort as a jolt of fear rattles my bones. A slight breeze on my face as my body is whisked away. Rumbling and whistling wheels roll faster taking me to my destruction, my heart pounding to its rhythm. The temperature went from cool to bolstering hot. Beads of sweat fall from my face faster then they form. Sweat trickling down my back and legs. The heat is stifling; my lungs ache while searching for air. My skin withers, like burnt ashes. Sounds of crackling and popping fill the space like a camp fire, oh god. I let out a scream once I realize what is happening. There was no pain, just the feeling of suffocating. Is this what it’s like to be on fire? The thought evokes blood curdling scream to form in my throat that never leave my lips. Darkness, quiet, I’m alone. I felt something cold on my forehead, I hear my name.

“Zara, wake up come back to us.” Mom! Mom! I can’t breathe so the sound suffocates. Something cool brushes my face, weak I drudge up another attempt to find air with every ounce of strength left. I inhale coughing after filling my lungs; I exhale a ferrous scream... “MOM!”

I’m back.


Lavenia Boswell said...

Wow, you got my attention! Can't wait to read more. I'll send you my critique via e-mail later today. As I am on my phone & am limited to what I can do.
That was chilling and good from the 1st person POV (point of view). I was calmed to know she felt no pain at the end.
Talk to you later.

Paula Sangare said...

HI Lavenia, thanks for stopping by I can't wait for your critique, don't be a stranger here at this blog I welcome all friends:)

Lavenia Boswell said...

My writer's email is
send me your email and I will return the critique via MS Word.

Paula Sangare said...

Lavenia, I'm sending it now thank you

Dr. Margaret Aranda said...

Hi, nice to meet you via GUTGAA...this is a great critique, and I think "chilling" is a good word to use as a description. Glad you are getting a real critique for this, I'm still waiting for someone to critique my work. Off and running to visit another blog...trying to make it through the list! You take care!

Dr Margaret Aranda

Paula Sangare said...

Hi Dr Margaret,
Nice to meet you, I'm not like super critique woman,but i would love to stop by and check out you work. Thanks for stopping by, don't be a stranger

Stacey Nash said...

Wow, I only just found this. I need to subscribe to your blog :)
Well done, Sapphire's Dawn is coming together nicely. I can't wait to read more.

Paula Sangare said...

Thank you Stacey, please do subscribe I'm trying to be more active with regular post comments are always encouraging