Sunday, September 9, 2012

*Excerpts* Sapphire's Dawn

After some valuable critique I decided to revise this excerpt see revisions here



I decided to post an excerpt from my WIP , as a part of GUTGAA, I am looking for a critique partner or a group. If this grabs your attention, or you would like to work with me Please leave me a comment below. Also if you have the time please take a moment to critique. Applying the golden rule of course, but I am not fragile.


“Where did she come from?”

“I don't know, the young ones found her near the water. She's not a familiar, so they brought her here before going to council and, before she was conscious. She has no light doc, that's impossible right?”

I could hear them but, I couldn't see them, I felt my eyes were open but, there was only darkness. The older male voice was the doctor, but I couldn't tell if the other voice was a male or female because of the  high  pitch tone. I was sure it was a teenager like me.  I was so use to hearing this tone down every hall in school.

“No. It's not  impossible for one of us to not have a light,” answered the doctor.

I know I'm dreaming again, when I  hear  familiar voices in my head. Is that Mrs. Kensington?  OMG! Am I in class-

“What are you going to do with her doc?” the younger voice interrupted my thoughts of complete horror.

If being the new, don't touch or talk to me because, I am not interested in joining your clubs or cliques girl wasn't enough. I'm also  the  freak that falls asleep in class and  narrate a vivid account of the voices in my head. Kill me now because it will take weeks for this to blow over. The last time this happened I stayed home for a week the taunts were unbearable. After a week of absences people were more worried about me having committed suicide or something  more morbid then that.

“How is it possible for one of us not to have a light doc?” The voice shrieked

“Can you please go and get the other elders, tell them there is hybrid in our mist. They will know what to do.” I could tell the doctor was annoyed.

“A hybrid? But I thought they didn’t exist, the mere mention is what caused the last uprising” the voice was higher if at all possible. I could hear the urgency in it's footsteps as it turned and ran out of the room. Hybrid...huh. Why haven't I awakened? I can't recall  being this aware or dreaming for this long. Focus Zara, you must wake up. 

It seemed like only a few minutes had passed, when I  hear the sound of many feet approaching all at once. I understand what they were saying, but  the fear in their voices was evident even from a distance. There’s maybe three or four more voices in the room with the doctor and the boy with the high pitched voice. I knew this now because I heard someone call him Michael. The footsteps become louder as they get closer to me. “Impossible. How did she get here?” This voice was an even older man.

“We don't know the young ones found her near the forbidden waters unconscious, they brought her here when they noticed she had no light,” the doctor answered.

“We must get rid of her before the others knows she is here. We don’t need the threat of another uprising, our planet will not survive it. Let's call a gathering of all the elders at once, we will be rid of her by nightfall,”it was another older voice. I guess these are the elders he asked for.

“So is she a hybrid?” Michael’s voice was panicked, this scared me too although it was just a dream I could hear my heart thud behind my ears. Get rid of me what does that mean. Why can't I wake up. I have to get out of this dream before- I cringed at  the thought.

The background noise in my head changes. I know I am no longer in class, the feel of weightlessness tells me my body is being moved. Now there is complete silence to add to the darkness. I need to awaken before I lose my mind completely.
I heard a loud noise, as if a door was forced open, footsteps coming toward me again, as they got closer the voices became clearer. The doctor was back with the older voice they called elder, there were two voices I didn't recognize, but I could tell they were as old as this elder.

“It's the same one as before, how is this possible I thought you got rid of it doctor,” the first elder asked

“I did, I destroyed it just as you instructed. It can’t be the same one.” The doctor insisted.

Destroyed! I try to control the trembles that are erupting from my body. I don't want them to know I’m conscious. I can tell they are as afraid of me as I am of them.

“If you destroyed her why is she back? How is she back?” Another voice elder said.

The doctors voice was abrupt, “I think now the real problem is finding the portal and sealing it for good. Instead of worrying how or why she is back, let's make it impossible for her to return.” 

“They know we won't allow them to expose us, and why try now?” I recognize the first elder's voice. “ Has anyone else notice the most important factor? Not only does this girl not have a light, there is no way she could come through a portal or survived our atmosphere."

"so, she is a  hybrid because," Michael questioned. 

It is clear she is not one of us, nor is she the girl from the last time, she had to come from Earth having survived both she has to be is a hybrid.” as fast as the words left the doctors mouth a collective gasp filled the room, followed by silence. 

“There are no such beings as hybrids, and we all thank you to not spread inexplicable notions. Are you trying to cause another uprising? Our kind can not mate with human. Those are just old fables told to the young ones to keep them from trouble. Doctor, you are  too wise to believe such tales.”

“Well then, how do you explain this human girl with no light in our universe having survived the trip and our atmosphere?” The doctor was shouting in anger, and I couldn't help but wonder why I was still in this dream. It seems so real, why can't I wake up?

“I can't explain it, but in all my five centuries I have never seen a hybrid. This fact is not because we don’t believe in them, but because they simply can not and do not exist.To end this fruitless debate, I vote now that we destroy this being immediately it is already beginning to taint our views, and alter our judgement.”

All the voices in the room each vote yes to destroy me at once. The fact that this was just a dream gave little comfort as a jolt of fear course through me. I feel my body being whisked away swiftly as if I was on something with wheels. As it rolls faster my heart pounds to its rhythm. The temperature went from cool to bolstering hot. I could feel the sweat roll down my face and back. I’m having trouble breathing the heat is so stifling, my lungs ache  searching for fresh air. It was getting hotter, I could feel my skin wither, like I was on fire. I let out a scream when I realized what was happening. There was no pain, just the feeling of suffocating. I scream louder, there was still only darkness the voices were  gone. I felt something cold on my forehead, someone calling my name.

“Zara, wake up honey come back to us.” It was my mom I try to scream louder there is no sound,  I can’t breathe. I could feel my moms  hair brush against my cheeks, her breathe cool on my face. I attempt again to find air, I inhale coughing after filling my lungs, I exhale.I'm back. 

4 comments:

Jess Schira said...

The biggest thing I noticed with this snippet is that there's a few places where you used a comma, yet I couldn't help thinking that you should have used a period. Examples of that would be here-I don't know, the young ones found her near the water-and here-see them, I felt my- There is also a paragraph smack dab in the middle of this section that feels like it somehow managed to get plunked into the wrong place.

I liked this piece. Your characters are interesting. My skills as a critique partner can be questionable, and I overlook punctuation errors, but if you want, I'd be happy to read through this. I can be reached at naggingdilemma(at)yahoo(dot)com

Paula Sangare said...

Thanks you Jess, I would love for you to look it over I will contact you now.

Stacey Nash said...

Hi Paula,
Interesting Story. Like Jess I saw mainly grammatical issues with fullstops and comma's. I've copied and pasted the excerpt onto a word doc so I can critique it using track changes. I'll get back to you in a few days. :)

Paula Sangare said...

Hi Stacy,

Thank you so much I am looking forward to your critique! I never thought I would be so excited to see my mistakes.