*revise* Excerpt Sapphire's Dawn

After some very good advise I made a few changes to my prologue, if you have the time please take a moment to critique. Thank you Stacey and Jess!! thanks #GUTGAA-ANS




Prologue

“Where did she come from?”

“I don't know the young ones found her near the forbidden waters she's not a familiar so they brought her here while she is still unconscious. She has no light doctor, that's impossible right?”

My chest rise and fall uncontrollably. I stretch my eyes wide trying to control my breathing hoping to see past the darkness surrounding me. Who are these voices? Frozen, the need to thrash about and yell consumes me, the fear is relentless it grips my throat holding back sound.

“No. It's not entirely impossible to not have a light.”

Startled at the sound of this voice an older male the one the high shrieked voice calls doctor. The high shriek voice is harder to decipher whether it’s male or female, the pubescent tone was familiar like so many sophomores yelling down the halls on their first day of high school. Zara, are you okay can you hear me?” Mrs. Kensington? I want to answer but at what risk? OMG, I’m dreaming in class again!

“What are you going to do with her doc?” the younger voice interrupts my thoughts of horror. As if being the don't touch or talk to me because I am not interested in joining your clubs or cliques girl isn't enough, I have to also be the freak that falls asleep in class. Kill me now because it will take weeks for this to blow over. The last time this happened I didn’t return to school for a week the taunts were unbearable. After a week people were more worried about me having committed suicide or something more morbid then that.

“How is it possible for one of us not to have a light doc?”

“Please, get the elders, tell them there is a hybrid in our mist they will know what to do.”

“A hybrid? But I thought they didn’t exist, the mere mention is what caused the last uprising” the voice is higher if at all possible. The pounding of his footsteps abuse the hard floor as he run hastily from the room. Hybrid...huh. Focus Zara, must wake up.

Click clack all at once the thumping of several sets of approaching feet invades my ears. More voices three or four riddle with fear in the distance. I could still hear the doctor and the high pitched voice Vincent someone calls him. A boy go figure. My breathing instinctively labors as the thudding feet get louder the closer the get to me.

“Impossible. How did she get here?” A much older male voice shouts.

“We don't know Elder Sythe, but with no light the question ‘here’ becomes in our world.”

“We must get rid of her before the others knows she is here.” Elder Sythe demands.

The doctor interject saying, “I think we should see what we can learn from it. Open it up see why it doesn’t have a light. Maybe we can learn where it came from.”

“Nonsense doctor, we don’t need the threat of another uprising, we wont survive it. The other elders and I will convene and once we make the decision  to destroy, It will be done at nightfall.”

“So is she a hybrid?” Vincent’s says with panic in his voice, I could hear my heart thud behind my ears.

Get rid of me!?

“What if the others elders agree with me?” the doctor asserts.

“They wont I can assure you that,” I could tell Elder Sythe is in control.

“Elder Sythe it’s the same one from before.” The doctor voice is a nervous whisper.

“What!” Elder Sythe roared. How is this possible you said you destroyed it.”

“I did, destroy it just as you instructed immediately.”

Destroyed! Uncontrollable trembles erupt from my body.

“If you destroyed it, why is it lying on this table? How is she back?” Another voice asks.

Give me the chance to learn these answers you seek. Allow me two days to perform test and experiments,” the doctor pleading to decimate my body.

“Absolutely not! Destroy it” Elder Sythe says forceful he is no longer asking.

“Ask yourself

Elder Sythe, is the portal open, how did this creature survive the trip to our world, and she’s alive living breathing in our atmosphere. Can you explain that? If she is not an Empyrean and she is surely not the girl from last time, then the only thing that explains here being here, is that she has to be a hybrid.” A collective gasp fills the room.

“There are no such beings as hybrids and we all thank you to not spread rumors. Are you trying to cause another uprising? Our kind can not mate with human it is not possible those are just old fables told to the young ones to keep them from trouble. You are much to wise to believe such tales.”

“Well then how do you explain this human girl with no light in our world?” Anger infuses the doctors shout.

Why can't I wake up?

“I will tell you this in all my five centuries I have never seen or heard of a sighting of hybrid. This fact is not because we don’t believe in them, but because they can not and do not exist. To end this fruitless debate, I vote now that we destroy this being immediately it is already beginning to taint your views”

“Not without the other elders,” the doctors voice trembles

No one answers him, all the voices in the room each vote yes to destroy me at once. The fact that this is just a dream gives little comfort as a jolt of fear rattles my bones. A slight breeze on my face as my body is whisked away. Rumbling and whistling wheels roll faster taking me to my destruction, my heart pounding to its rhythm. The temperature went from cool to bolstering hot. Beads of sweat fall from my face faster then they form. Sweat trickling down my back and legs. The heat is stifling; my lungs ache while searching for air. My skin withers, like burnt ashes. Sounds of crackling and popping fill the space like a camp fire, oh god. I let out a scream once I realize what is happening. There was no pain, just the feeling of suffocating. Is this what it’s like to be on fire? The thought evokes blood curdling scream to form in my throat that never leave my lips. Darkness, quiet, I’m alone. I felt something cold on my forehead, I hear my name.

“Zara, wake up come back to us.” Mom! Mom! I can’t breathe so the sound suffocates. Something cool brushes my face, weak I drudge up another attempt to find air with every ounce of strength left. I inhale coughing after filling my lungs; I exhale a ferrous scream... “MOM!”

I’m back.

Inspiration for my MS

What do you think when you see this picture? 

I love this picture it's one of many that gives me inspiration for my current WIP.  I know it's kinda cliche-ish, the princess lost in the woods  can you see the white horse and the gallant prince and his men following behind on the way to rescue her. No my current MS doesn't take place in a forest, so why this photo.
To me it just screams magical and mythical.  Who knows maybe it will inspire my next WIP.

...and this one

I couldn't get it turned the right side up. Now you know my secret. Yes this has a lot to do with my current ms. I was pondering over rather to title the book Dawn or Sapphire's Dawn. My morning commute is just before daybreak it always makes me think of the characters in my book. Something about the sky the way the clouds dance and form the most amazing picture. I found it interesting and yet dangerous driving at this time because I can't take my eyes off the sky.

The water is also an inspiration, my MC is from an island and on my drive I cross a long bridge. As I cross all I  see is water and sky(and cars of course if I'm paying attention...kidding of course), I love it. Peaceful and majestic, it makes me feel like I can step into my story, my fantasy.
Side Note: I love my ms, I can't wait to get it all out, not to share it with the world, but to see where my characters take me and where the end up.

*Excerpts* Sapphire's Dawn

After some valuable critique I decided to revise this excerpt see revisions here



I decided to post an excerpt from my WIP , as a part of GUTGAA, I am looking for a critique partner or a group. If this grabs your attention, or you would like to work with me Please leave me a comment below. Also if you have the time please take a moment to critique. Applying the golden rule of course, but I am not fragile.


“Where did she come from?”

“I don't know, the young ones found her near the water. She's not a familiar, so they brought her here before going to council and, before she was conscious. She has no light doc, that's impossible right?”

I could hear them but, I couldn't see them, I felt my eyes were open but, there was only darkness. The older male voice was the doctor, but I couldn't tell if the other voice was a male or female because of the  high  pitch tone. I was sure it was a teenager like me.  I was so use to hearing this tone down every hall in school.

“No. It's not  impossible for one of us to not have a light,” answered the doctor.

I know I'm dreaming again, when I  hear  familiar voices in my head. Is that Mrs. Kensington?  OMG! Am I in class-

“What are you going to do with her doc?” the younger voice interrupted my thoughts of complete horror.

If being the new, don't touch or talk to me because, I am not interested in joining your clubs or cliques girl wasn't enough. I'm also  the  freak that falls asleep in class and  narrate a vivid account of the voices in my head. Kill me now because it will take weeks for this to blow over. The last time this happened I stayed home for a week the taunts were unbearable. After a week of absences people were more worried about me having committed suicide or something  more morbid then that.

“How is it possible for one of us not to have a light doc?” The voice shrieked

“Can you please go and get the other elders, tell them there is hybrid in our mist. They will know what to do.” I could tell the doctor was annoyed.

“A hybrid? But I thought they didn’t exist, the mere mention is what caused the last uprising” the voice was higher if at all possible. I could hear the urgency in it's footsteps as it turned and ran out of the room. Hybrid...huh. Why haven't I awakened? I can't recall  being this aware or dreaming for this long. Focus Zara, you must wake up. 

It seemed like only a few minutes had passed, when I  hear the sound of many feet approaching all at once. I understand what they were saying, but  the fear in their voices was evident even from a distance. There’s maybe three or four more voices in the room with the doctor and the boy with the high pitched voice. I knew this now because I heard someone call him Michael. The footsteps become louder as they get closer to me. “Impossible. How did she get here?” This voice was an even older man.

“We don't know the young ones found her near the forbidden waters unconscious, they brought her here when they noticed she had no light,” the doctor answered.

“We must get rid of her before the others knows she is here. We don’t need the threat of another uprising, our planet will not survive it. Let's call a gathering of all the elders at once, we will be rid of her by nightfall,”it was another older voice. I guess these are the elders he asked for.

“So is she a hybrid?” Michael’s voice was panicked, this scared me too although it was just a dream I could hear my heart thud behind my ears. Get rid of me what does that mean. Why can't I wake up. I have to get out of this dream before- I cringed at  the thought.

The background noise in my head changes. I know I am no longer in class, the feel of weightlessness tells me my body is being moved. Now there is complete silence to add to the darkness. I need to awaken before I lose my mind completely.

I heard a loud noise, as if a door was forced open, footsteps coming toward me again, as they got closer the voices became clearer. The doctor was back with the older voice they called elder, there were two voices I didn't recognize, but I could tell they were as old as this elder.

“It's the same one as before, how is this possible I thought you got rid of it doctor,” the first elder asked

“I did, I destroyed it just as you instructed. It can’t be the same one.” The doctor insisted.

Destroyed! I try to control the trembles that are erupting from my body. I don't want them to know I’m conscious. I can tell they are as afraid of me as I am of them.

“If you destroyed her why is she back? How is she back?” Another voice elder said.

The doctors voice was abrupt, “I think now the real problem is finding the portal and sealing it for good. Instead of worrying how or why she is back, let's make it impossible for her to return.” 

“They know we won't allow them to expose us, and why try now?” I recognize the first elder's voice. “ Has anyone else notice the most important factor? Not only does this girl not have a light, there is no way she could come through a portal or survived our atmosphere."

"so, she is a  hybrid because," Michael questioned. 

It is clear she is not one of us, nor is she the girl from the last time, she had to come from Earth having survived both she has to be is a hybrid.” as fast as the words left the doctors mouth a collective gasp filled the room, followed by silence. 

“There are no such beings as hybrids, and we all thank you to not spread inexplicable notions. Are you trying to cause another uprising? Our kind can not mate with human. Those are just old fables told to the young ones to keep them from trouble. Doctor, you are  too wise to believe such tales.”

“Well then, how do you explain this human girl with no light in our universe having survived the trip and our atmosphere?” The doctor was shouting in anger, and I couldn't help but wonder why I was still in this dream. It seems so real, why can't I wake up?

“I can't explain it, but in all my five centuries I have never seen a hybrid. This fact is not because we don’t believe in them, but because they simply can not and do not exist.To end this fruitless debate, I vote now that we destroy this being immediately it is already beginning to taint our views, and alter our judgement.”

All the voices in the room each vote yes to destroy me at once. The fact that this was just a dream gave little comfort as a jolt of fear course through me. I feel my body being whisked away swiftly as if I was on something with wheels. As it rolls faster my heart pounds to its rhythm. The temperature went from cool to bolstering hot. I could feel the sweat roll down my face and back. I’m having trouble breathing the heat is so stifling, my lungs ache  searching for fresh air. It was getting hotter, I could feel my skin wither, like I was on fire. I let out a scream when I realized what was happening. There was no pain, just the feeling of suffocating. I scream louder, there was still only darkness the voices were  gone. I felt something cold on my forehead, someone calling my name.

“Zara, wake up honey come back to us.” It was my mom I try to scream louder there is no sound,  I can’t breathe. I could feel my moms  hair brush against my cheeks, her breathe cool on my face. I attempt again to find air, I inhale coughing after filling my lungs, I exhale.I'm back. 

The Day Sapphire was Born!!

Sitting with my laptop on the bed thinking how will she tell them about her gifts who can she turn to. hours passed words turned to sentences, turned to paragraphs. Still I didn't know what her problem was and who was the cause of it. I talked to others close to her, trying to imagine how they would help her, or give her support. I can feel she is scared lonely, but brave and strong at the same time, but I don't know her.

Still a stranger to me, although I have guided her for a year now, and suddenly it was clear, Sapphire introduced herself to me, and I finally knew where we were going together , how I could help her solve her problems. How together we could get rid of the one who was causing so much pain.

This is when Sapphire was born, and her voice became louder in my head telling me her thoughts and feelings. I soon hope to share her with the world.

I am hoping soon to add excerpts from my book on the blog, but I am a long way from that. I had my first critique of the first chapter done by the fabulous Angie Sandro. I was nervous, excited, and surprised it wasn't as bad as I thought.
I know I don't have many followers, but maybe there are some passer bys, so stop over and check out Angie's blog here she is awesome.